Sad, but True

Men’s Rules for Women
“If a man says he will do something, he will. There is no reason to remind him every six months.”
“You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.”
“If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.”

“Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.”
“If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.”
“There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.”
“A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.”
“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”
“Trying to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by flying on commercial airlines.”
“Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.”
“Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.”
“Indecision is the key to flexibility.”
“There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.”
“If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.”
“‘Criminal Lawyer’ is a redundancy.”
“Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.”
“Happiness is merely the remission of pain.”
“Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.”
“If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.”
“I doubt, therefore I might be.”
“If a straight-line fit is required, obtain only two data points.”
“If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.”
“If you don’t care where you are, you ain’t lost.”
“If you don’t remember, you had a good time.”
“Individualists unite!”
“Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.”
“Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.”
“Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.”
“One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.”
“By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.”
“This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.”

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